“Under the guise of a small well-ordered life hides a complex story well beyond me. I so need help, support, knowing that others, perhaps, have had course also chaotic and all eventually get better.
It all starts in the middle teens. I lived a passionate love with my first boyfriend at an age where, no doubt, we were not ready to live a love so strong. Our passion became destructive and inability to integrate society insécurisait me. I then left.
Some time later, I have known him that soon become my husband. A good man, for whom I have a simple love without passion, “reasonable and rational”, based on cooperation, on projects … leaves me a sense of blandness next to my previous love. But it was better that way. At least, I was convinced by me.
I saw again my passionate love and I got pregnant. I had no certainty about the father of this baby. I chose what was needed: a protective father, rather than a somewhat marginal father. I have confided my doubts to anyone. I kept inside me like a weight of infinite heaviness. And I continued, “as if nothing had happened.” And then I had two more children whose father is for sure my husband.
There are two years old, my “love passion” contacted me. We met again. I still love intensely but without the destructive side. He knows I have my doubts about the father of my first child, himself often thought about it. He dreams of living with me and my children. But this is the stuff of dreams … I can not leave my husband. How to leave a “perfect man”?
I can not take away my guilt of this crazy situation. Depriving my three children of their father or deny the probable father of my first child not to see his son grow up? Fully live my life as a woman or continue to simulate my role of good wife and mother? It’s like an equation with a factor too … And I tend to think that, finally, the easiest factor to remove, it’s me. I’m really lost. “